Sail Cutthroat

23 January 2007

Roger needs some “cruising therapy”, so he’s adding his thoughts…go Rog!

I am not as crazy as I sometimes think that I am. I told folks that we were selling our house and moving onto our sailboat making that our new home. Immediately my friends said that I was crazy. How could any couple live in such close quarters for any period of time without killing eachother?

The interesting thing was that more women then men said that they didn’t know what they would do if they had to be around their mate in such close quarters for any extended period of time. That extended period appeared to be more than a day. Ouch, had we made a tremendous blunder or were we just the avant- guarde, the leading edge, the pre-divorce court or what?

Well, we did it and did it for over a year and found that we still liked each other. But, there are challenges in communications living in such quarters. Sometimes it is as though we were with one mind and I start to say something and she reacts appropriately before I even really get to the point. Wow, I think we have begun to mind meld and then it happens. It suddenly appears as though we are speaking tongues or something - we are right there talking and not communicating. We continue to try to convey our correct point of view or explanation to the other and “she” is hearing a totally incorrect version. She then accuses me of being incapable of understanding (she is the one who could not understand) and being a blithering idiot. About at that point I am in agreement because there must be something wrong with me to periodically enter into this no win world with this wonderful person I have for my Partner and shipmate.

You know, when you think you have this uncanny ability to beat the odds and succeed where others would fail, you push the envelope. Pushing the envelope is probably a mild term of expression for what we have done on numerous occasions. Each time we do it, I look at my wife and she looks at me and we question our sanity without even saying a word; you know, it is that “look” that years have given meaning to between two people. The relationship between a mother and daughter is quite different from that between the husband and the “mother-in-law”. Well when you have a sailboat with less than 350 square feet of living space that you and your wife have learned to live very comfortably within - stop there. We didn’t, haven’t and frequently step across the edge.

To understand the “situation” I must paint a most positive picture of my mother-in-law, Marie.

She is a sweet little lady, she really is. All who meet her instantly love her and want her to be their mother or best friend or just be around her. Physically she is a tiny, petite lady of about 70 plus/plus years. Marie has short silver grey hair with a smart curl to it, a twinkle in her eye and a welcoming smile. She has perfect teeth. She is tough as nails, she takes Coumaden , which makes her skin, a wound looking for a place to happen, yet she pushes through it. She travels with a medical chest of pills (pills to take care of conditions, pills to counteract the effects of those pills on the other parts of the body, pills to counteract those and then pills that she must take because sometime in the past she was told to take them) and this and that, all of which are most critical and are unknown to the uninitiated. Initiation comes with any question that can possibly get to “my situation” at which time you will discover that she has died many times and like Christ has risen once again, and expects the same adoration!(..oops, that is the son-in-law coming out again ). She does have issues and she should be recognized for the efforts that she makes with all of her issues to be with us and travel to the many places we go. And her attitude and abilities have permitted us the freedom to do our traveling without a feeling of guilt of “abandoning” her. It is also a great opportunity for her and she has gone places with us that she never thought about in the past but, totally has enjoyed the experiences. And you know, she really is a very special person but, levels of expectation and interaction in families is unique.

My “Marie”, is unique in that she never makes a mistake without a reason, and as soon as the mistake is identified by me the reasons, for which she has no responsibility or accountability, begin to flow. And then I am challenged as to why I had questioned her actions in the first place since I was well aware of her situation. I am sitting there realizing that once again I should never have opened my mouth. I am not a “bad” person, but not as good a person for having challenged such a sweet little lady. When she is ready to do something it is then the right time do to it. I do not understand how a person can nail the exactness every time, but she does, just ask her.. Little things amuse me about her such as the battery on a device needs to be recharged. I say don’t turn it on or you will lose all of your data. Mom responds she knows that (as though I had challenged Gandi) “but every time I turn it on it gives me the warning”. Duh, why do you keep turning it on before recharging it? Ooops, once again, I am the nasty son-in-law. When I think it is time to do something, but she does not (Like catch a plane) then once again I have crossed the line of inconsiderate son-in-law.

I think I need to stop questioning so many things about her. I could change the pattern and just do the question without “mother-in-law” and see if I would feel the same. But if I stopped questioning things that my mother-in-law does, I am not sure I would have any entertainment left. She is a very intelligent person as she will tell me in a heart beat, (she is) therefore those unique (polite for dumb) actions on her part are flustering to me and highlighted. Some days though I would appreciate a little less light emanating from her direction.

When I question the focus of her interest, it is the welfare of others, but always those who are somewhere else and not those who are right there, on the front line so to speak. The attentiveness of those right there with you is expected, as is everything that they do for you. But, that is sort of the family expectations and with friends appreciation is expressed. But that goes both ways there too. Do I expect more from her than I do others of her age that I meet and know? Do I treat them differently because the encounter will be for a short period rather than “FOREVER”? Who knows, it is that family thing I guess and families are so unique, this is our “situation” and we wouldn’t have it any other way, or would we.

But, let us get back to the boat and the lunacy I experience when I say, let’s get Mom to come stay with us for a few weeks. Note that is more than one, more than a couple and short of a month. And the sweet daughter, confused by my remarks and with total amnesia of previous visits, says “great, I’ll get her a ticket.” Immediately, I experience buyer’s remorse but it is too late, too late. We go through days or weeks of telephone calls in preparation for the trip to the boat. Each time is about the same as the last call, we check the date again, what can she bring and not bring, what is the weather going to be (I’m not the one who died three times), what time is she going, am I sure, what should she do about the plants, and the yard and the whatever unknown miniscule thing she just thought about. I should record the calls and just play the answers back to her when she calls the next day because the questions are the same just in a different sequence, and that sequence thing is why she can be offended if you say I answered that the last time and the time before. We will save the journey for another effort.

Now picture this sweet little lady arriving on our spacious yacht and working on getting settled. She has brought all of the stylish stuff that she can squeeze into a single roller suitcase, not necessarily the right stuff. The medications and emergency stuff have earned their own carry on bag now, even though I have put my foot down on where do we store the extra baggage. Oh I am told that I am so good I will solve the little baggage storage issue, and I guess I am because we do. We will always accommodate this sweet little thing. I get chewed out when I leave things out of their home on the boat (on a boat everything has a home and must always go back when it is no longer needed and definitely every evening). That policy is heard and understood by Marie and she firmly agrees with it for me to follow, but it couldn’t apply to her in her situation.

When on the boat she is amazing considering her situation, her age, being a hurt looking for a place to happen, she is a trooper. She uses her muscle to make everything fit into places and things no one else ever thought of for the item. I hope our refrigerator door can survive the latest trip. For a lady with her situation she is surprisingly strong physically, emotionally and hard headed (but that is probably how she has survived). When she has determined she is right, well that is the end of any discussion. I can discuss it all day if that is all I have to do because she knows that I just don’t understand and she is so right, so often I don’t understand.

When she is here, the biggest advantage is that she is with us and we know that she is OK, and the biggest disadvantage is well I really can’t come up with one, perhaps a hundred but not just one. She occupies a good third of the boat, controls half and spreads her influence on the remainder; the boat runs on her time; we run on her time although she never wants to impose. I end up as the outside guy because I feel imposed upon, but I am the one who asked for the visit. They are all correct, I am a flaming idiot, but we love her and that covers lots of other things.

Love to all,
The Cutthroat Crew - Roger, Elise, and Mom Wag